Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 20/02/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

The Snapple caper

Today's guest ranter is Spanky The Naughty Little Monkey

Spanky is pissed big time. She went to her local Snapple supply centre, also known as the cake shop around the corner, to procure her usual morning beverage, Raspberry Ice Tea Snapple, and was horrified to discover that the shop was completely bereft of it. Not only that, but they were also out of the quite tasty Mango Ice Tea Snapple. (They were also out of Lemon Ice Tea Snapple but this was no great shock as they never stocked in the first place.)

The monkey was thus forced to resort to Snapple Guava Mania Cocktail, which can be described with the word 'shit', while a disgruntled colleague had to have Bali Blast, which "tastes like you'd expect something called Bali Blast to taste".

The woman in the cake shop said that Sunburst Regency was refusing to deliver any more Snapple, which is frankly not good enough. The monkey works hard in life and doesn't do it just so she can drink Guava Mania Cocktail. Did those brave pioneers who made this country great do it for the love of Bali Blast? Spanky thinks not.

We sent a fax off to Sunburst this morning telling them that we had a litter of cute little fluffy kittens which we intend to execute every hour we are Snapple-less but that just resulted in a depressing phone call confirming that the premiere iced tea was indeed going off the market.

Who is to blame for this fiasco? Spanky is pointing a big monkey figure at Mr Richest Man in The World Pants, Bill Gates. The Gatesmeister owns, among other things, the Bettmann Archive which has the rights to, among other things, the Ye olde picture of sailing ships on the bottle of Iced Tea Snapple. Is it a co-incidence that this is the precise variety that has disappeared from our fridges? No it is not. Chairman Bill has ALL the bottles of Iced Tea Snapple in his $40 million mansion, where he and Melinda are building Snapple bottle pyramids naked. He is holding them hostage until we all buy more Microsoft products.

So Spanky is urging you to go out and buy as many Microsoft products as you can in order that she and her friends can have their Snapple. If you won't do it for us, do it for the kittens.

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