Chapter 26: Remember The Time

Author: Alex Keaton
Date: 29th October 1997

"How do I get myself into these things?" Erica mused to herself . . .Editorial note: if you've been confused recently, Erica is about to go into a mental plot summary to assist you. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

It had all started when she found a goat's head and a corpse in her apartment. The goat's head was a lame PR gimmick; she had thought that the corpse might have been her Swedish exchange pal Flikka Laakksonen, but the presence of an Ericsson phone showed that he had faked his own death. After a brief fling with sleazy newsreader Rex Carter, she was kidnapped with her geek journo friend Patrick while trying to find Flikka on IRC. She had escaped from her kidnapper, Riekelt van Slooten, who was also looking for Flikka, and who appeared to be a member of the Finnish mafia, the Slaöøüväääd, whom Flikka had been making a documentary on. She had escaped, but Patrick hadn't; he had later been killed by, she believed, Slaöøüväääd mercenaries.

Patrick had died clutching a copy of his manuscript, Australian Psycho, which Erica believed held the clue to this particular mystery. Her attempts at research with world-renowned Finnologist Dr Curtis Armstrong hadn't assisted her; he had led her into a virtual death-trap at a Narrabeen gym, and later been killed himself in a vicious paper-cut attack.

It was around that stage that things got really whacko, Erica mused. Retrieving Patrick's manuscript, she had encountered Flikka's sister Mikka, who had a psychotic lesbian crush on her, and revealed that Flika's family were heavily involved with the Finnish mafia. Australian Psycho had turned out to be some sort of sick fantasy about her as well, and everyone named in it had died.

In what now seemed a pretty silly plan, Erica had tried to rescue the bitch editor of Cosmopolitan, Trudee McAmore, who was named in the book. Halfway to Byron, the car had been attacked by evil strangers, and Trudee had disappeared. Erica had tried to hitch a ride to the Gold Coast on a tourist bus, but her killers had tracked her down there, and now she was facing one of them outside the bus.

[What Erica did not know, but Tigress readers did, was that Patrick had a mysterious partnership with van Slooten, was writing Psycho as a serial novel, and had been murdered by Anttilanien, the man who has now tracked her down to the Gold Coast. We won't spoil things by telling her any of that just yet. She also doesn't know that her ex-boyfriend Brett is in a mysterious sexual relationship with his kinky cousin Keefy, or that her Uncle Len has had his shack burnt to the ground, or that Mikka has kidnapped Rex and taken him to Byron. These things take time to discover.]

Anttilanien repeated his utterance.

"My name is Anttilanien."

Erica said the only possible thing under the circumstances.

"And I should give a fuck because?"