Chapter 13: Turn, Turn, Turn

Author: Andrew Keaton
Date: 20th August 1997

Six weeks, five hundred sheep, rampant interfamilial sex and no pot was enough to drive anyone crazy, thought Brett. He struggled with the straight jacket that Keefy, his horny, slightly inbred cousin, had put him into before leaving him in the shed an hour or so previously.

Keefy had promised he'd come back, so Brett wasn't too concerned, but he was heating up, the sheep in the corner was looking nervous, and he had an itch he just couldn't scratch. "Uhhng, this place is starting to rub off on me," Brett said out loud as he freed a hand and reached down. He grunted with satisfaction.

A shadow fell across the floor, the sheep bolting through the back door. "You got a phone call," Keefy said. He noticed Brett's free hand. "You've been bad. But you can answer the phone first."

Brett was dragged inside, handed the phone and bent over the kitchen table.


"Uhhnggh, hello?"


"Brett, is that you?"


"Ahh, yes, who's this?"


"Erica. What's going on there?"

Brett thought it might be a bit much to explain that his cousin was hitting his bare arse with a switch of virgin birch, and besides, this bird had dumped him. THWACK!

"Erica, a) get fucked; b) a tree is getting chopped down; and c) what the fuck do you want you stupid fucking cow?"


"I need your help, there's no-one else I can turn to." She chose not to tell him about Rex or Bob the Butcher. "Seriously, I need your help."

At that moment Erica was standing outside BeachBodiez in Narrabeen. Curtis Armstrong had told her of the strong Finnish community there. "It's the largest outside of Finland itself," Curtis had said.

Erica had jumped on a bus and ended up outside the gym. Judging by the number of blonde-headed people there, she was on the right track.

"Well, speak, woman, and it better be fuckin' good." THWACK THWACK THWACK!

"I need your Australian Body Builder's number. It's a long story, but I need to get into a gym urgently."

"Too bad. I quit after you dumped me. I wouldn't have told you anyway, so you're not missing out."


"And by the way, get fucked."

THWACK! beep beep beep. Brett had hung up.

This left both of them in sticky positions. Erica decided to try to talk her way in to the gym. Brett wasn't at all inclined to move.