Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 09/02/99

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Subtitles for morons

Today's guest ranter is Spanky The Naughty Little Monkey.

Besides wrestling and Duran Duran, Spanky the Naughty Little Monkey likes to donate a good part of her time to visits to the cinema.

Despite a strict sitting down the front policy in a bid to avoid much of the crowd, Spanky has a habit of sitting in front of people who have the mistaken belief that they are not at the cinema, but at home in front of the video. Consequently, they feel no qualms about having entire conversations without moderating the volume in any way. It's a wonder they don't strip down to their underwear and start belching as well.

These people are also unaffected by the glares of the patrons around them (including Spanky) which suggest that most people do not want to hear their less than insightful comments.

Spanky initially thought that the reason for this is that most people are used to being in the TV/video situation to see movies and are thus unfamiliar with the "communal" aspects of cinema. However, after an incident at a preview screening where the irritating person sitting behind Spanky was in fact a film reviewer for a major newspaper, we've had to revise this theory. These people are just fuckwads.

Attending a screening of Ronin recently, Spanky has come up with a way that will at least temper some of the more grating in-movie conversations: subtitles for the shit-brained.

Instead of subtitles that print the dialogue, Spanky proposes that the subtitles print answers of a plot-explanatory nature, so that people don't feel compelled to constantly pester their friends for explanations or comment. A simple "yes, they are still in France", "No, we don't know what's in the case" and "Yes, that gun is quite large" may be enough to get them to shut the hell up. The alternative is mandatory lethal injection, which Spanky does not necessarily disagree with in this context.

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