Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 05/08/98

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

The shocking truth of Hollywood Undressed

I've just discovered a really easy way to make a documentary. String together some low-quality black and white pics of celebrities, repeat some rumours about them that absolutely everyone knows, write a saucy blurb and then get Woolworths to sell it for $5. Sound ludicrous? Well, it worked for the producers of Hollywood Undressed, which I picked up recently during one of my habitual rummages through the Woolies George St cut-out bin.

Billed as 'the ultimate Hollywood expose', Hollywood Undressed promises "more than a peek at the most lurid stories ever to come out of the world's movie capitol [sic] . . . it's a wild and wooly ride through Scandalland with Hollywood's baddest boys and naughtiest girls!"

What it actually offers is a series of photographs you've seen before, scandals you've heard before, and a really badly written voiceover. There cannot be one single person on the planet who does not know that Rock Hudson was gay, James Dean was rumoured to be bisexual, or that Jayne Mansfield had big tits. And the video completely ignores the really saucy bits, like Dean's amputee fetish, Marilyn Monroe's Kennedy-shagging predilection or everyone's favourite Richard Gere pet shop story.

Now, given the price, the fact that it was produced by Golden Editions Video and my acknowledged expertise in stupid celebrity gossip, I must admit that I didn't have high expectations of this video to start with. What I really bought it for was the promise of "actual videotape of Rob Lowe's bedroom antics", from that embarrassing little incident where he got caught videotaping a couple of women feigning lesbian sex and one of them turned out to be under age. This appealed to my '80s completist nature, and also the sick perverted side of me.

Well, the tape does include the footage, but it's an even bigger disappointment than I remember from news broadcasts at the time. For one thing, it's in black and white, and for another, there's all of about five seconds on offer. Maybe I'll convert it into a QuickTime movie and offer it from the site, to save other people making the same mistake.

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