Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 28/01/98

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Man does giant turd in shape of Celine Dion

A Gusworld NOT-TRUE-NEWS story

In what is being hailed by religious fanatics and music critics alike as a message from God, a Dallas, Texas man has earned instant infamy by doing a giant turd in the shape of popular Canadian chanteuse Celine Dion.

The three-pound excretion, which made its debut in pipefitter John McCallum's dialpidated shithouse early on Tuesday morning, bears a truly stunning resemblance to Dion, whose ear-shattering hits include 'The Power Of Love', 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now' and the gut-wrenching 'Because You Loved Me', from the Robert Redford/Michelle Pfeiffer starrer Up Close And Personal.

"I'd dined out on an all-you-can-eat coupon at my local steakhouse, so I was confident of doing a fairly solid dump," a clearly excited McCallum told reporters. "Things might have been different if I'd gone to a Mexican place instead. Those fajitas give me the runs something chronic."

"Anyway, I did my business -- just squeezed it right out -- and was about to flush it away, when I noticed that my crap was a dead ringer for Celine Dion." McCallum was familiar with the lilting songbird's face because "her new hit CD, Let's Talk About Love, hasn't been out of the CD player since my wife Maylene got it for Christmas from her niece Suzette".

Having rescued the Dionesque dung from his toilet with a shovel, McCallum proudly placed it on display in his lounge room china cabinet, "right next to the Franklin Mint McDonald's Collector Plate". As word of the turd spread, McCallum's house became crowded with neighbours and passing tourists, until eventually he was forced to charge a $5 admission fee in order to control the crowds and cover maintenance costs. He is also refusing to allow photographers to take pictures of the unusual load.

That hasn't been enough to deter fans from turning up in droves, however. "I own all of Celine's albums, including those really dodgy French-language ones, so when I heard that this guy had a Celine-shaped shit, I had to see it for myself," said area fan Laverne Smith, 29, a waitress and part-time jelly wrestler. Having witnessed the miracle excretion, Smith said it was "a good resemblance, although those little bits of corn kind of make her face look a bit pimply. I'd have removed them first."

Experts said that it was unusual for human faeces to take on the appearance of a popular ballad singer. "While small children are renowned for playing with their stools, it is almost unheard of for the colon to create a faecal formation with recognisable human features," said Professor Lance Thomson, executive director of New York's Kennedy Instiute of Excretory Formations. "Although I did do one which looked like a daschund this morning."

Executives at Dion's label, 550, are believed to be considering using an image of the turd on a limited edition picture disc pressing of her current single, 'My Heart Will Go On', the theme from James Cameron's meaga-epic Titanic. The single is set for US release in early February, while McCallum plans to continue to keep showing the miracle turd for an indefinite period, "or until it dries up. Even then, I might be able to pass it off as Ronald Reagan."

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