Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 17/12/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

How Microsoft wrecked my face

A thing of beauty is a thing of joy to behold, but my face doesn't actually fit into that category. However, its basic normalness was fundamentally assailed last week in a tragic incident which saw most of the skin ripped off the end of my nose. Normally, I'd blame the Liberal Government, but on this occasion, the fault is none other than Microsoft's. How so? Let me explain.

Last week, in a burst of foolishness, I accepted an invitation to Microsoft's Christmas party for members of the press and other general loafers. My main incentive for doing so was the promise of free alcohol in a congenial environment. A second factor was the inclusion of a few pub games, such as getting dressed up in a Sumo suit and wrestling with your stomach and riding a mechanical bull. My track record on co-ordination made the latter a non-starter, but I did try the Sumo suit, and won my round. (Any comments to the effect that I don't really need the suit will be entirely ignored.)

Foolishly, however, I consented to have a go at the Human Barfly, an event where you put on a velcro suit, take a running jump off a miniature trampoline and try and stick yourself to a velcro wall. Given that the suit was in yellow and red stripes, I was compelled to wear it. Having done that, it seemed a simple step to try throwing myself at the wall.

I now know that the correct technique on such a system is to land on the trampoline with both feet, lift your arms up high into the air and launch yourself flat at the wall. This I did not do. Instead, I leapt on single-footed and then dived arms first towards the wall, hitting it with considerable impact and ripping a large chunk of skin off my nose.

I'm nothing if not a persistent bastard, so I went back another seven times and eventually almost got it right. But it's taken a week for my nose to return to normal, and I'm still reflecting on the virtues of suing the richest man in the world.

(Pedant note: I realise that the picture on this page is more than two years old and I now look nothing like this, especially since I had my head shaved to a #2 crop recently. But you get that.)

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