Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 10/10/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Mariah Carey vows: I'll never sing again

A Gusworld NOT-TRUE-NEWS story

In a shock announcement, pop songstress Mariah Carey has vowed to spare the world further suffering by abandoning her singing career and plowing the not inconsiderable profits she has made from her records into counselling for the millions who have been forced to listen to her boppy pop numbers and droning ballads.

Carey, considered by many experts to be the most annoying singer this side of Michael Bolton, made the shock announcement after actually listening to her most recent album, the chart-topping Butterfly. "I couldn't believe what I was hearing," she told reporters from a bed in her hotel room, where she has been staying since splitting with her husband, music exec Tommy Mottola, a move which has garnered her considerable publicity. "I mean, this stuff is drivel. It's so bad, it's embarrassing. And what's that bullshit I'm doing where I sing really high? I played that old hit of mine, 'Emotions', and dogs started howling in the next suburb. This rap garbage on the new record, it's the pits as well."

While Butterfly has had a mixed reception, critics are divided as to whether Carey will ever be able to outdo the sheer schmaltz of previous efforts such as 'One Sweet Day', her 1995 duet with Boys II Men which caused countless individuals to spontaneously vomit whenever they heard its nauseating lyrics and saccharine melody. Despite such obstacles,. the song topped the US charts for a record 15 weeks, leading many people to question the existence of God.

At least they now have the comfort of knowing that Carey shares their pain. "I'd like to personally apologise for inflicting 'Hero' on the world," she said in a statement announcing her retirement. "Rest assured, that's the last of that kind of crap I'll be producing."

Fans were disturbed by the announcement. "I love Mariah's work," said Amanda Carter, a mother of two from Granville in Sydney. "Thank God for Toni Branxton and Mix 106.5, or I'd have nothing to live for." Rumours that Carey's announcement was nothing more than a tacky publicity stunt are definitely worth repeating.

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