Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 04/07/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Kerri-Anne gets new soul

A Gusworld Not-True-News Story

In a Gusworld exclusive, world-renowned superstar Kerri-Anne Kennerley reveals how she traded in her soul for a new and improved model.

She's not a person to walk away from a challenge. In her role as the host of the Nine Network's Midday show (weekdays 12.00 to 1:30), Kerri-Anne Kennerley has scaled the Sydney Harbour Bridge, abseiled down cliffs, ridden camels, undergone life-threatening cosmetic surgery and even had extra-marital sexual relations with network executives in stationery closets.

So when we asked her to star in this special mental health edition of Gusworld by committing herself to a spiritual makeover, she jumped at the chance. "And I'm so glad I did. I feel fantastic," Kerri-Anne exclusively tells Gusworld ."I'm bubblier than I've ever been before."

Kerri-Anne's rise from small-town Queensland girl to nationally-renowned television trollop has not been through talent alone. In fact, talent played no part whatsoever. To get ahead in the back-stabbing, blackmailing, stiletto-slamming world that is Australian talk show television, the woman known as Slag Features had to make deals and commit sins that weighed heavily on her soul. "I had prostituted my mind, not to mention my body," she said with a troubled frown. "One time I even agreed to a threesome with Kerry Stokes and Peta Toppano just to get the time slot I wanted!"

Gusworld stepped in to act as intermediary between Kerri-Anne and the Devil. In exchange for a brand-new soul, Kerri-Anne had to agree to only two conditions: signing away her life to the devil, and never producing another record. "It was a small price to pay," a visibly glowing Kerri-Anne told us. "Now I feel morally replenished, although I don't know what I'm going to give my family for Christmas presents," she added with a beatific smile. "I guess I'll just have to go through my stockpile of unsold copies."

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