GUSWORLD
Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 16/04/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Secrets of the Australian Sandwich Association

One of my guilty secrets is that I often eat a chicken and coleslaw roll from Woolworth's for breakfast. Yes, I know that Woolies Town Hall has more ugly people per square foot than anywhere else in the world. But it's two blocks from my office, and the rolls are cheap at $2.50 a pop. By the time 9am comes around, I've been working for two hours and something has to give.

I only mention this because today, at lunchtime, I developed a sudden craving for one of these rolls. Unfortunately, there'd been a rush and Woolies was all sold out. And so it was that I came to purchase the Daily Express Chicken & Mayo sandwich whose label you see here, also priced at $2.50 even though it's smaller.

We'll gloss over the sandwich itself, which was fairly unpleasant (it even had a bone in it, and I could make better mayonnaise from my own vomit). What was really striking was the label -- and I don't just mean the chicken and mayo symbols which are thoughtfully affixed for the illiterate, or the oh-so-informative ingredients list (bread, chicken, mayonnaise and butter; boy, I might steal their recipe).

What's fascinating is the small print (I've never had a sandwich with small print before). This is what is written underneath the mayonnaise symbol:

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat.

How they got that from a crap condiment is quite beyond me. And the tone gets even more high-falutin' (and ungrammatical) under the chicken picture:

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Thankfully, Daily Express has enjoyed a great year, although we are the most conscious that others around us have not. Australia needs to look in the mirror and see if it can find renewed energy in it's (sic) actions.

Possibly, but Daily Express needs to look in its sandwiches and make them taste like something resembling food. This is despite the final piece of small print, which proclaims that

The Australian Sandwich Association demands specific standards in manufacturing, distribution and retailing processes of sandwich products.

Obviously, the standards aren't very high, just very specific. Hell, maybe they even include chicken bones.


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