GUSWORLD
Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 18/04/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Why Brad and Gwyneth will still be forced to masturbate occasionally

In a world of crappo celebrity stories, this is still a doozy. Actors Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow are so ludicrously smitten with each other, their agreement to wed includes a clause that they have to do the wild thing every single day. "We've pledged to have a great sex life -- making love every day we're together," a publicity-hungry Brad told the New Weekly.

It doesn't require a depraved imagination to think of the implications of this statement, but it will certainly be no hindrance to the following discussion. Let's visualise a few common situations:

Situation 1. Brad and Gwyneth make a sequel to Far And Away, the ultimate celebrity couple film. Like the first film, it flops. In a final bid for publicity, they fly to Australia for a promo tour. The flight takes 26 hours.
GWYNETH: Brad, stop that! Somebody might see!
BRAD: But honey, 24 hours have passed! Remember the contract?
STEWARDESS: Sir, would you like eggs with your breakfast?

Situation 2. Brad goes out on the town for an all-night drinking session with Howard Stern and Joan Collins. He returns home in a drunken stupor at 4:37am.
GWYNETH (as she straddles him): Come on, you fuckknuckle! Let's see some action down there!
BRAD: Bleeagh! Huh! Aw, come on! Bleaaaagh!
GWYNETH: But honey, 24 hours have passed! Remember the contract?

Situation 3. As an inevitable result of all this nocturnal activity, Gwyneth gets knocked up. It's a long and painful labour.
BRAD (pushing aside several doctors): Out of my way! I gotta get me some action!
GWYNETH: Oh for Christ's sake Brad!
BRAD: But honey, 24 hours have passed! Remember the contract?
GWYNETH: Brad, I'm having a Caesarean!

Situation 4. Brad and Gwyneth are trapped in a septic tank for 36 hours. No, OK, that's too tasteless even for me.

Situation 5. Brad catches Gwyneth getting it on with Adam West.
BRAD: Cool! Can I have the day off then?


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