Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 10/02/97

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

The Love Plan isn't much of one

Whatever you can say about Gusworld, you could never accuse us of being unduly fettered by shame. Take the topic of today's rant, for instance, a seamy sexual education video entitled The Love Plan. I picked this up for $2 in the end-of-year sale held by ACP's marketing department. When I purchased it, the woman behind the counter commented "We didn't think anyone would have the guts to buy that". I could have responded "Hey lady, this is nothing, I've got a Collette tribute page in the works" but I didn't. I went home to watch The Love Plan. Two months later, I've finally seen it. I wish I'd waited longer.

As most people know, any videos that involve the showing of an erect penis are essentially banned in all the States of Australia, but freely available on mail order from Canberra. There is, however, a loophole. Videos classed as "sex education" can show the occasional torrid tockley, as long as it's in an educational context, and still be sold through standard retail outlets. This well-meaning gesture has resulted in many dull sex docos featuring occasional flashes of flesh being repackaged to look like feral smut and sold to the innocent pleasure-seeking citizens of the land. The Love Plan falls right into this category.

Subtitled 'twelve nights that could change your life', this vid features the usual mixture of earnest British narrators, tacky California tantric sex gurus and suspiciously good-looking 'sexologists' feigning acts of mating. Among the handy tips the video offers are:

Amongst these low-quality tips, though, The Love Plan doesn't feature the tip most of its purchasers probably wanted to see. Yes, despite the rating, the video remains resolutely penis-free.

Now, as I didn't purchase The Love Plan through a desire to see multiple acts of sexual congress, I'm not really disappointed by this ommission. What bugs me is that the video is neither so compelling it's useful, nor so tacky it's amusing. Next time I want junk movies, I think I'll stick to Woolworths.

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