Rant Of The Day THIS RANT 13/08/96

Rant Of The Day is where I get to mouth off about whatever I feel like for however long I like. Theoretically, I'll update my whinge/opinion piece every weekday; in practice, maybe not so often.

Barbie: it's all bollocks

A while back, Gusworld lamented the state of modern Barbie development, pointing out Mattel's apparent desperate need to combine as many dumb concepts as possible in one toy with the spectacular Jewel Hair Mermaid Barbie. A more recent cursory glance around the aisles of Toys R Us and at the catalogue of its main competitor, World 4 Kids, hasn't provided much reassurance in this area.

First off the rank, we have Barbie Teddy Fun (exclusive to World 4 Kids, as you can see). Forget your lingerie fantasies, the exciting and original concept here is that "Barbie comes with her own teddy bear". Get the Creativity Crayons out for that toy designer! Could form the basis of a useful quiz:

Select the appropriate word to complete the sentence:

Barbie comes with her own ________:

  1. bucket and spade
  2. sheep drenching kit
  3. high heels and chronic back problem
  4. copy of Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon

It's no real surprise that Ken's inclinations are getting camper by the minute (check out the Sparkle Shorts or Shaving Fun models if you don't believe us).

Next up is Twirling Ballerina Barbie, who is "articulated to move like a real ballerina". We can only hope this includes a fully bendable finger for those all-night vomiting sessions essential to the great anorexic dance divas of the age. Maybe they could supply the vomit in dried form in paper bags (sold separately).

Finally, there's Barbie Foam And Colour, which unfortunately isn't a vomit reference either. However, it does promise hours of bathroom fun, so maybe it comes with batteries.

We could go on, discussing Got Milk Barbie (no comment!), Happy Meal Skipper (cholesterol counting test extra), Pog Barbie (kinda self-explanatory) and Whip Me With An Iguana Ken, but we'd lose space to discuss the most important Barbie of all: Snow Princess Barbie. Let me quote direct from the advertisement: "It is a Barbie doll that everyone will adore, but few people can ever own . . . Her white gown, as delicate as a snowflake, sparkles with sequins and crystal rhinestones . . . Snow Princess Barbie is no ordinary doll . . . only 1000 Snow Princess Barbies are to be released in Australia . . ."

If you've ever wanted to tat up your dreary little shack with a crappy doll whose fashion sense suggests a cross between the Russian Tsarina, Diana Ross and a poodle with static electricity, then this is the way to go. And the price is only $209 (incl. postage)! Excuse me, I'm off to beat myself stupid with a brick and hopefully then the world will make more sense.

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