With the consumer market growing at the rate of a rampant melanoma, being able to identify a monitor and use a mouse won't cut it any more when you're trying to impress your friends. These days, you have to be able to configure a Web server to run on a 286 to really impress people. Will you cut the mustard? Find out with this exclusive quiz. Answer all questions, don't lie and don't skip bits. This test is totally authentic and guaranteed to work.

1. What does HTML stand for?

(a) HyperText Markup Language.
(b) Hot Metal.
(c) Helga Tickled My Legs.
(d) Ask someone who cares.

2. Where is Bill Gates' house located?

(a) Seattle.
(b) He doesn't need a house because he's always at work coding really great software by hand.
(c) Who?
(d) I don't know but when I find out he's a dead man unless he gives me back my Franklin Mint Elvis plate with gold trim.

3. What does ATM stand for?

(a) Automatic Teller Machine.
(b) Asynchronous Transfer Mode.
(c) A Tedious Mnemonic.
(d) Parlez-vous Francais?

4. Why did Novell sell off WordPerfect to Corel at a loss?

(a) It was a dumb idea to buy it in the first place.
(b) Monolithic software suites have no place in the future world of object-oriented component software.
(c) Red and white are not in fashion this season.
(d) It's big and it's blue.

5. A colleague complains that since Windows 95 was installed on their PC, their CD drive won't play audio discs any more. Do you:

(a) Reinstall the old 16-bit drivers and get things working?
(b) Tell them to buy a Macintosh and snigger in their face?
(c) Ask them out on a date?
(d) Question why they are affecting their productivity by listening to so-called 'rock' music?

6. Is choosing between NetWare and Windows NT:

(a) A no-brainer?
(b) A religious issue?
(c) A coin-tossing event?
(d) Something you'll never have to do?

7. What will be the chip of choice in desktop PCs for 1996?

(a) The Pentium.
(b) The Pentium Pro.
(c) CCs.
(d) A rebadged 6502 processor.

8. Which beer do tech-heads drink?

(a) Carlton Cold.
(b) Anything.
(c) Toohey's Blue.
(d) Alcohol is an evil drug and should be banned to save ourselves and our children.

9. You're offered the choice between a red-hot night out with Cindy Crawford or an exclusive full ISDN link to the Internet for the evening. What do you do?

(a) Plan an exciting evening with one very foxy chick.
(b) Spend the night downloading pictures of dubious taste and quality.
(c) Spend the night adding to your collection of IP addresses.
(d) Shoot yourself to avoid making a decision.

10. What has been the single greatest technological advance of the past decade?

(a) The PC.
(b) The Internet.
(c) Microwave french fries.
(d) All of the above in combination.

Add up your total score using the handy table below (don't use the Windows calculator, it has a few problems of its own). Then read on to discover whether you can enter the Geek's Hall of Fame.

1. (a) 4, (b) 2, (c) 1, (d) 3

2. (a) 3, (b) 4, (c) 1, (d) 2

3. (a) 2, (b) 3, (c) 4, (d) 1

4. (a) 3, (b) 4, (c) 1, (d) 2

5. (a) 4, (b) 2, (c) 3, (d) 1

6. (a) 3, (b) 4, (c) 2, (d) 1

7. (a) 4, (b) 3, (c) 2, (d) 1

8. (a) 4, (b) 3, (c) 1, (d) 2

9. (a) 1, (b) 4, (c) 2, (d) 3

10. (a) 3, (b) 1, (c) 2, (d) 4

10-16: This isn't really your forte is it? You must have stumbled onto the Web by mistake when you mislaid your copy of the Reader's Digest. You probably think that the Information Superhighway is what they built the Glebe Island Bridge on. Questions like `what speed is your hard drive?' leave you quivering with fear. Your technophobia is such that you have to get your neighbour's three-year-old to come around and program the video to tape `Keeping Up Appearances'. Buy a copy of Bill Gates' The Road Ahead immediately (we hear it's rather inexpensive these days).

17-24: Well, you can use Windows under supervision, but anything beyond that makes about as much sense to you as Nena's `99 Luftballoons'. You own a copy of Word for Windows for Dummies but you hide it in your top drawer and nod sagely whenever conversations feature phrases like `TCP/IP' or `Token Ring'.

25-32: Close, but no cigar. You try to be a geek but can't cut it. You are also wondering why you stayed up all night on August 23 last year just so you could be the first to get a copy of Windows 95 when it went on sale the next day, especially when you actually own a Macintosh.

33-40: You are a techno boffin to rival B$JD. Your knowledge of technology is such that you could laugh disparagingly at the Internet surfing techniques in `The Net'. The idea of going any length of time without your laptop is so nightmarish that you have to have a glass of brandy and a good lie down just thinking about it. Congratulations, you have truly earned the moniker of `Computer Whiz'!

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