|I would discuss with him having mandatory sex education classes, because if students decide to have sex, they should be practicing safe sex. However, in my opinion, abstinence is always the best way.|
Nice to see she's in touch with reality.
Unfortunately, someone forget to tell the happy organisers of the Sunburst USA Beauty Pageant, who have a slab of paid editorial in the current edition of Pageant Life. Their proud boasts about contest "integrity" form this week's dumb quote:
|Sunburst is known everywhere as simply being a beauty pageant and facial beauty is continually stressed to the judges panel . . . Theresa [an ex-beauty queen who organises this particular farce] is constantly on the go looking for pretty faces throughout the US. Her Suburst Directors are an outstanding board who also stress facial beauty at all of their competitions.|
Vomit bags are available at the usual outlets. Judging by the supplied photo, incidentally, if you want to win Teresa's pageant, make up like a drag queen and don't skimp on the lace.
|America's Missy Miss Overall Living Doll Photogenic Queen|
For the record, the current title-holder is Chelsie Adara. We're sure this title will make a neat addition to her resume in years to come, even if it does take up the whole of the second page.
|Pageants symbolize hope, opportunity, and the empowerment of women in our society.|
We'll get back to you when we discover how this fits in with forcing them to wander around a stage in a swimsuit in front of an ogling group of older men.
|New starlets are born every day, and I am delighted that I can be their introduction to make their dreams become reality. The newest 5 year old starlets just signed this last year.|
No doubt Ms Little is also delighted at the cheques from failed five year old starlets who have pursued the Hemisphere dream. We're a little disappointed that aiming for the stars is no longer appropriate; references to 'starlet-cross'd lovers' don't have the same appeal. And we wait with concern for a sudden onslaught of eight year old former starlets.
|PUBLISHER V.J. La Cour EDITORIAL MANAGER V.J. La Cour EDITOR Alicia La Cour SENIOR EDITOR Shaun La Cour BULK MAIL SUPERVISOR Ambris La Cour|
Ah yes, the family that produces tacky magazines together stays together. There's a special Gusworld prize for anyone who can come up with a translation of 'Bulk Mail Supervisor' that doesn't essentially mean 'person stuffing things in envelopes'.
If most four year olds own a car at all, it will either be a Matchbox miniature or one of these plastic ones you wheel with your feet, Flinstones-style. But not if you enter pageants a lot. Take the case of Erica Lane Clinard, as reported in Pageant Life's Summer 1996 issue:
|This beautfiul 4 year old recently won her fourth car at the Sugar-N-Spice National Pageant. Erica was shaking with excitement as they called her name as the Supreme Car Winner!|
Given that Erica is at least a dozen years off having a licence, this might seem one of the best-yet pieces of evidence that the main beneficiaries of exploting youngsters in pageants are the parents (what a lovely car, Mrs Clinard!). We'd think so too, if we hadn't perused a more recent issue and discovered that Mrs Clinard is, in fact, pregnant, which has curtailed Erica's pageant activities somewhat. Who knew pregancy could have such beneficial side effects?
|Vassil made me some pictures, and he think about my walking and how I was to speak with people and my improvement maybe. Everything in this pageant I feel is very important because people watch you and learn and watch from what you do.|
We don't want to have to be the ones to disillusion Ms Sinegerova by pointing out that the only thing people are watching at Miss Universe is the swimsuit contest, but we will if we have to.
|Amanda Bradley, American Universal Grand Supreme Queen, and Erica Clinard, Glamour Doll U.S.A. National Car Winner, having fun at the America's Most Beautiful Girls National Carnival in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.|
Fun in this instance consists of wearing less than a ton of makeup and sending the tiara off to be replated.
|I often wished the pageants could provide a manual for what they expect, but we find that Pageant Life Magazine gives us so much information on what's in trend for clothing and hair and makeup. Your articles are so important to us, and we just absorb every detail. Amilyn has won photogenic and portfolio so many times mainly because your magazine has inspired my photography of her so much. We owe you a big Thank You and can hardly wait for the next issue.|
Remember folks: Amilyn, the recipient of all this clothes and hair and makeup, is seven years old.
|The media . . . have raped the pageant industry for ratings . . . If the media would allow the industry to receive the good press it deserves, depicting these lovely, intelligent and talented individuals, perhaps it would help to cut down on the growing violence amongst the youth in the world.|
This comment is placed directly adjcent to a picture of three of the Pageant Life cover contest finals. All three are aged under 10 (two are aged under 5), and all three are wearing enough makeup to derail a goods train.
Remarks on how pageantry needs to be defended lace the entire issue, but we've only got time to look at two. An entire two-page feature, ponderously entitled 'Ethics 101: Don't Practise Beyond Your Realm Of Expertise', is devoted to media misportrayals of the world of pageants. Leaving aside the question of how a magazine which sells editorial space can lecture anyone else on ethics, what does it have to tell us?
|A search of the psychological research literature will reveal that no studies exist which compare pageant children with other children . . . As women, we should not have to defend our choice to participate or to enter our children into any lawful activity that makes us feel good about ourselves, and that includes pageants.|
Pageantry as a feminist issue is an interesting slant; stupid, but interesting. We wonder how good women (and men) driven to anorexia feel about the kind of image stereotyping perpetuated by the pageant system. There may even be the odd psychological study on it!
Most appalling of all, though, is a column written by Pageant Life's current cover model, heading rapidly over the hill at 5 years of age. 'Tere's Tiny Talk' launches into a spirited defence of the pageant system:
|BUT PLEASE STOP . . . LISTEN TO ME! I get to make my own choice of whether to compete or not. My mommy doesn't force me. Yes, I'm only five years old, but I do have the ability to choose . . . I understand my options. I understand my choices. I know what I want and I can pick it . . . Yes, I excel in pageants, but also in school and other areas . . . I am in kingergarten and I am reading, writing and I'm definitely not afraid to raise my hand in class . . . We're not growing up too fast, rather we're having the time of our lives!|
The editors of Pageant Life expect us to believe that this just-being-educated five-year old composed the 300-odd words of this column. They also expect us to believe that her accompanying column shot, asparkle with sequins and painted with lipstick, is natural and healthy. You be the judge.
Some of these titles seem damn suss to me. Who the hell is Troy? Is this a drag contest? And what about Sunburst Pee Wee Miss? Sounds like someone who drank too much orange juice and pissed themselves.
Last week, we looked at dumb names for pageants. This week, we're looking at dumb names for the dumb companies that make their money by selling dumb pageant contestants revolting dresses with too many sequins on them. Practically any advertiser in Pageant Life would qualify for this description, but for convenience's sake, we're looking at Crowning Angels, which bills itself as the 'Best Full Service Pageant Store'. Among the labels it supports:
But don't take our word for how revolting this all is; drop into the company's Web site at http://www.apparelmart.com/crowningangels/ and see for yourself. There's more vile dresses, children in inappropriate clothing and tulle than you could shake a stick at.
This week, we're aiming for the short, sharp and stupid. This comes from a report on the 1997 USA National Scholarship Pageant:
|The contestants this year, extremely intelligent, gave interviews of which the judges stated were, "Well above the average".|
Obviously, grammar fades next to a flouncy frock.
Although it isn't invariably true, a picture truly can be worth a thousand words sometimes. For proof, check out this image from an advertisement in the most recent issue of Pageant Life:
It certainly left us speechless.
The bimbos who read Pageant Life aren't just into jewellery and excess makeup; they also work out! I know this because a recent article had the catchy headline 'Warning: The Zone Can Be Beneficial To Your Health', an almost comprehensible article about heart rates when exercising. But it was all spoilt by the following sentence:
|You wouldn't spend $2,000 on the wrong dress, so why would you spend hours working out for the wrong results?|
As anyone who has ever trawled through the pages of Pageant Life knows, lots of people appear to be spending lots of money on the wrong dress. We haven't time to do an exhaustive survey here, but we think that this dress alone proves the point:
We feel sure you'll agree.
The complex problems of living in a multiracial society haven't escaped the editorial team at Pageant Life, even if the realities of the world in general have managed to slip past them at the speed of a skunk. Here's an extract from a (paid) article on 12-year old aspiring beauty queen Tracy Chisman:
|Traci realizes that these goals require hard work and dedication from any individual, but being multiracial she, realizes that it will require overcoming many obstacles on her way to success.|
While Traci struggles with her obstacles, we hope the Pageant Life editorial team learn how to use the English language.
As we've pointed out before, sometimes the funniest bits in Pageant Life are the advertisements. That's certainly the case with this enigmatic piece placed by a company known only as 'The Allens':
The BEST just got BETTER!
New 15" SPIRAL scepter shafts on ALL Rhinestone Scepters!
Plus 18" REFRACTIVE shafts on ALL Economy Scepters!
From YOUR crown supplier . . . The ALLENS
Quite frankly, we're shocked. We thought that peageant participants were all-American girls who didn't know anything about shafting.