Mr T's Mother And Paxton Chick In Wild Lesbian Romp

Mr T's "What A Bunch Of Pansies The Secret Service Are" campaign took a surprising new turn yesterday when it was accidentally revealed during a press conference that his mother was involved in a torrid lesbian affair with well-known shameless dole bludger Whatshername Paxton.

The shock revelation occurred during a speech Mr T was making at his home to promote his new idea of replacing the Secret Service with T-Force, an elite squad of psycho loonies wearing gold chains. "With T-Force, we can teach everyone to be somebody!" Mr T proclaimed, bashing his fist against a door to emphasise the point. Unfortunately, his ill-considered pounding caused the door to fly open, revealing his sprightly 78-year old mother -- a former housemaid to President Nixon -- doing something completely unncessary and explicit to that shameless Paxton trollop with a cheesecake.

Mr T quickly slammed the door and yelled "The Secret Service are on a one-way trip down the Hershey Highway!", but the damage was already done. While the gathered media rabble fired off questions regarding the shamless display of single-gender lust, T's aides bundled him and the two tongue-twisted tarts into a waiting helicopter and fled the scene. Subsequent calls to Mr T seeking comment resulted in bomb threats to at least one reporter.

The twat-plunging psychodrama has apparently been taking place for some time. "That Paxton girl -- I've never met her, but she disgusts me -- and Mrs T Senior have been going at it hammer and tongs since Christmas," said a source. "All they need to work out now is who wears the nappies."

The Secret Service was quick to mount another counter-attack against T. "He's calling us wimps, but at least our mother isn't a dyke," said a partially insane Secret Service spokesperson. "I don't think being the son of a lesbian is going to help his case." Prime Minister John Howard called for Mr T to go back to Barbados, and announced that the entire Paxton family would be publically flogged later this week, with proceeds from ticket sales going straight into his pocket.

The most immediate effect of the shock new horror revelation scandal was on the chart performance of the charity recording "Mr T ain't a pussy, but the Secret Service are wussy", which a bunch of 80s recording stars without contracts banded together to record some time last week. While some chart-watchers had predicted a million-selling #1 debut for the platter, 87% of the stores we contacted had never heard of the record and said they had no intention of selling it. "It would probably sell about as well as Bananarama's new album," said one hysterical record store assistant who used to be a member of Girlfriend.

The one store we did contact that was selling the single had already discounted it to $0.50 and expected to throw it out this afternoon. "This is the 90s, man," said the store manager. "Why that's relevant, I have no idea, but there you go."

Higher sales are anticipated for a new tribute album which is being rush-released in the wake of the scandal. "The Paxton Bludger Meets The Muff Muncher" will feature tracks by the Smashing Pumpkins, Agnetha Faltskog, the newly-reunited Sex Pistols and Neil Diamond, and a duet between kd lang and Lily Tomlin. The vinyl-only recording will be available from McDonalds stores everywhere later this week.

Allegations that complete non-entities Martika, Stacey Q and John Ritter were also involved in the horror lesbian romp were unconfirmed at press time, but we thought we'd print them anyway.

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