GUSWORLD


Goldie Hawn and Mr T in wild barroom brawl

The Mr T versus the Secret Service debacle took an ugly new twist last night as fallen movie star Goldie Hawn became involved in a vicious barroom brawl with the chain-clad superstar and former author.

The reason? Wacky Goldie, who first rose to fame on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In but hasn't made a decent movie in ages, has been boffing Kurt Russell for several decades. Russell and Stallone co-starred in Tango & Cash, and the complete failure of the film didn't stop them forming a friendship based on a mutual love of Twinkies and sago pudding. One former employee claims that Goldie, Kurt and Stallone indulge in wild three-way sex orgies, although these claims have been dismissed by all concerned as "total crap" and the woman in question now believes she is a small plate of steamed vegetables.

Stallone has attacked T's dismissal of the Secret Service as "a bunch of motherfucking arse bandits with more dresses than Diana Ross". When Hawn met up with Mr T in Drongo's -- a fashionable Hollywood hangout frequented by Anna Nicole Smith, Molly Ringwald and the guy who played Greg on The Brady Bunch -- sparks flew quickly, witnesses say. "Goldie saw him, screamed and lobbed a plate of cucumber sandwiches right at him," said one person who might have been there. "I haven't encountered that sort of language since I got up this morning."

The brawl came to an abrupt end when T picked up Ms Hawn and bounced her casually across the room, leaving her in even worse condition than when she had a hole shot through her in Death Becomes Her.

Stallone was quick to leap to his own defence following the brawl and T's wild reaction and the barroom incident. "If T's so great, how come he agreed to appear in my movie?" he fumed in his normal incomprehensible fashion. "Plus, I hear he applied to join the Secret Service and got turned down cause he weighed too much wearing all those chains. He should stick to eating watermelons."

Stallone's ex-wife Brigitte Neilsen was later discovered fondling a whippet outside his home. "That's typical - she's a real dog, and a slackarsed moll to boot," said a Secret Service spokesperson.

Meanwhile, a source close to Mr T said that after the brawl, he spent the night being consoled by former UK pop star Boy George, whose unbridled lust for the brawny black superstar and reading promoter is well known. George's cryptic 1984 remark that rather than sex, he'd prefer a nice cup of tea, can now be interpreted in an entirely new light. Sources claim the two were involved in a whipped cream fight that lasted well into the small hours. Mr T has stopped returning our phone calls seeking comment.


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