The Mormon Prophet
The Mormon Prophet can provide the guidance that is missing from your day-to-day life, with his searing visions of the future. For ethical reasons, his identity remains a secret, especially due to recent clerical errors.
The Prophet is despondent, oh faithful! A recent prediction concerning the sex and arrival date of a young child proved so wildly inaccurate that, for a time, the Prophet considered abandoning his calling and devoting his spare time to more fruitful pursuits. However, he has relented, but from now on, he will only be doing celebrity forecasts. His first forecast: U2 are a bit crap, really.
Sometime in the future, it will rain.
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