The Mormon Prophet
The Mormon Prophet can provide the guidance that is missing from your day-to-day life, with his searing visions of the future. For ethical reasons, his real identity cannot be revealed, although his wife has recently told him to stop complaining about burnt steaks.
TODAY'S PROPHECY: Do not jump over safety barriers. Anyone who is foolhardy enough to jump over a safety barrier will surely get what they deserve. That safety barrier has been put there for a reason, although only the Mormon Prophet is privy to that reason. So there.
Sometime in the future, it will rain.
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