FINAL WARNING: Just in case the title and earlier warning didn't give it away, this section contains adult material of an explicit sexual nature unsuitable for children. Run along now, kiddies.

One key characteristic of the Milly-Molly-Mandy stories is that storylines are kept to a minimum. Sixty years before Jerry Seinfeld made a fortune with a "show about nothing", Milly-Molly-Mandy was showing him the way.

In fact, the only contemporary genus that can really match these stories in terms of lack of plot is adult movies. In Milly-Molly-Mandy Meets her Great-Aunt, the arrival of a great-aunt is sufficient reason to write an entire story. In Jamie Loves Jeff, being in a kitchen is sufficient reason for the two characters to rip off their clothes and get down to it. Every Milly-Molly-Mandy features similar activities, characters and settings. So does every porn film I've ever seen. The parallels are striking.

Thinking about this, and because I'm a particularly sick and twisted kind of individual, I thought it might be ever-so-mildly amusing to create a fictional porn character, Milly-Molly-Trollop, and imagine what would have happened to her if she'd been placed in situations similar to those encountered by Milly-Molly-Mandy. Where Milly-Molly-Mandy is a sweet and innocent 5-year old whom everyone adores, Milly-Molly-Trollop is a 25-year old unrelenting nymphomaniac with silicon breasts who gets her rocks off at every opportunity. (The fact that such an individual would have been shunned and lynched in a village like that which Milly-Molly-Mandy inhabits is beside the point, it's not like porn storylines were ever renowned for their true-to-life quality.)

Click here for a summary of the adventures of Milly-Molly-Trollop,
a document which is pointless, tasteless and morally repugnant