GUSWORLD
BILL BORED

My Favourite Sites

By BILL GATES

Some idiot from Arkansas wrote to me the other day and asked me what my favourite sites were. I soon set him straight by sending my bodyguard Mr Bigfist around to pulverise a few of his pet chickens. I mean, I'm the richest man in the world, in case you didn't know. I didn't get that way by wandering around looking at lots of low-resolution nude pictures of Pamela Anderson. It was only after I got rich that I could afford to do that. (Actually, I've just hired Pamela Anderson to star in this new rubber fetish film I'm making for my own viewing pleasure. This is a very hot movie, but you won't be seeing it. Well, not unless I get desperate while I'm trying to get people back onto the MSN.)

However, it just so happens that I've been doing a lot of testing of Microsoft's new Active Desktop, which turns your entire operating system into a browser, thus guaranteeing that any slight chance you had of ever getting any productive work done has gone completely out the Window(TM). In between rebooting because the goddamn machine has crashed one more time (I couldn't even get through to our beta testing support line!), I've actually come across a few really cool sites. Check them out now, before I buy the rights to them.

  1. Microsoft - http://www.microsoft.com This is a pretty cool site, although it can be a bit slow sometimes and my friends who use Navigator tell me that some of the features make their browsers crash. Actually, that's one of my favourite things about this site. I'm also thinking of putting my face on every page. Just try and stop me.
  2. Firefly. - http//www.firefly.com Here I log on with my secret nickname of Mr Stinky and I have chats with people. In fact that was where I got the idea of buying WebTV. I asked Mighty Penis and Sex Kitten48 what they would do if they were millionaires. They said they would buy a giant gold dildo and pay people to have sex with them, so I thought I would buy WebTV. Now that I think about it they were not instrumental in the decsion in any way.
  3. Why Java Sucks - http://www.math.fu-berlin.de/~leitner/java/suck.html I hate Scott McNealy so much. I hate him even more than that dentist who used to do weird things to me with his drill. One day, when I'm president of the universe, I'm going to torture him by locking him in a cell without food and water and making him watch endless repeats of A Current Affair. Unfortunately, this page is in German, but I'm buying the rights to that too.
  4. Whatis.com - http://www.whatis.com/ As a little treat I allow myself now and again when I've been working really hard, I go to this computer dictionary site and see if there are any words I don't know. Unfortunately this only happened once, which is pretty disappointing, but I keep hoping. Then I add some new words. But you know what really shits me -- my name never gets added to the contributors page! I'll bet there's some lamebrain there who doesn't believe it's really me!
  5. Corel - http://www.corel.com I just look at this page and I laugh and laugh. Then I call in Steve Ballmer and show him and we both sit there gasping for air and clutching our stomachs in spasms of laughter. Then slowly we stop laughing and do that post-laugh sigh 'ahhhhh!!!' and then one of us says 'WordPerfect" and we start all over again. Occasionally we do the same thing with http://www.novell.com.
  6. The Internet Movie Database - http://www.us.imdb.com/ This is where I hang out and get all the latest movie information. Some of my favourite films include Jurassic Park, Rising Sun, The Wizard Of Oz and anything with any of the chicks from Friends. I also liked Hollywood Hot Tubs, although the sequels weren't as good -- too much plot and not enough babes in swimsuits.
    I like going to the cinema a lot, although these days I tend to watch movies at home. It really sucks when some idiot in the row behind you is crunching on their popcorn too loudly. Plus if I stay home I can sit in a giant bathtub full of money and watch the latest releases on my personal IMAX screen in the guest ensuite. That really gets me juiced up.
  7. Bill Gates Personal Wealth Clock - http://www.webho.com/WealthClock/ This is great! I keep it as a little ticker at the bottom of my desktop incrementing in $100 amounts. I found it one day when I was doing a search on my name + 'wealth' + 'ruler of the world', and then I sacked my accountant.
  8. The Dilbert Zone - http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ I first discovered Dilbert when some of my employees had Dilbert comics pinned up outside their offices. Then I had them fired. Just kidding, of course I didn't have them fired. I had them shot. There I go again, I'm such a zany guy.
    Anyway, even though I don't always get Dilbert since I've never been some lowly office worker slogging away in a cubicle in my life, I think it's really funny. Especially the strip where Dilbert did not read his software licence before using it and became my towel boy (NOTE TO LAYWERS: This is a good idea, can we actually insert this clause?)
  9. Al-oholics Anonymous: The "Weird Al" Web Page - http://www.emsphone.com/Al/ Not only can Weird play a mean polka, he is the most talented comedian in this country. Who else can write a song about Liquid Paper that makes you laugh so hard that drink comes out your nose? This page was designed by a guy named Marty Lick. That's nearly as goofy as 'Weird Al'! Why did his parents name him 'Weird'? That's what I wonder. Was it self-fulfillment that he grew up to be, in fact, weird? It's like, was it just because my parents named me 'William Gates III' with all the letters adding up to 666 that I became the Antichrist, or was that gonna happen even if they called me 'Donna'? Not a lot of people realise that I have a a very deep side.
  10. Snapple - http://www.snapple.com/ Snapple is my favourite drink on earth. Forget all this Jolt bullshit, the reason I love Snapple is that the picture on the ice tea bottle comes from the Bettman Archive, which I OWN, and I welcome any enterprise that adds to my wealth, which is considerable. Ha! I paraphrased that from Goldfinger in the movie Goldfinger. Bloody well-rounded guy, I am. Now fuck off, I'm busy.


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