Media Release

Gates to throw major tantrum

"Waaaaahh!," says zillionaire.

Sydney, 20th May, 1998 -- Bill Gates, chairman and CEO of Microsoft, yesterday announced that if the US Department of Justice does not immediately cancel its antitrust lawsuit against Microsoft, he will throw a truly major tantrum.

"Not only am I the world's richest man, I'm also the world's loudest man," said Gates, his face turning increasingly red and dribble running down his chin. "I can scream so loud, it will split the ears of the entire DOJ. Joel Klein can kiss my bony white ass."

A final location for the tantrum has not been settled on, but options currently under consideration include the White House, the Statue of Liberty and the upcoming premiere of Godzilla. Gates is taking tips in tantrum-throwing from his young daughter, Jennifer.

"I've seen Bill when he gets mad, and believe me, it's not a pretty sight," said Microsoft VP Steve Ballmer. "One time, he found this bug in the Cardfile in Windows 3.1, and I thought his eyeballs were going to pop out of his head! I dread to think what might happen this time."

Gates also warned that any delays in the shipment of Windows 98 could have major consequences for the US economy. "What's more, if my personal wealth declines, I might be forced to cancel shooting on my widely anticipated movie debut, Cannonbill Run, recently voted by readers of Empire magazine as the film they most wanted to see made," Gates said, before throwing himself on his back and screaming loudly and repeatedly for his mommy.


Microsoft, Windows, the word 'fuck', modern dance, Jennifer Aniston, NBC, Java, the planet Earth, Trans Am, Belgium, the name "Reg Dwight", Justice and Windows NT are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries. Other product and company names herein may be trademarks of their respective owners.

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