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BILL BORED


Bill Gates
William H. Gates
Chairman and Chief Executive Officer
Microsoft Corporation


William (Billy Boy) H. Gates is chairman and chief executive officer of Microsoft Corporation, the leading provider, worldwide, of software for the personal computer. Microsoft had revenues of $8.6 billion for the fiscal year ending June 1996, and employs more than 20,000 people in 48 countries.

Born on October 28, 1955, Gates and his two sisters, Billamena and Billrietta, grew up in a small metal bucket, painted with daisies in Seattle. Their father, William H. Gates IV, was, as his name suggests, unable to count, a problem Bill has certainly rectified. Similarly, their late mother, Mary Gates, didn't know how to read her watch.

Gates attended public elementary school and the private Lakeside School. He didn't actually go to any of the classes, he just showed up occasionally to buy a hot dog in the canteen. There, he began his career in personal computer software, programming computers at age 13.

Bill was not seen again until 1973, when he entered Harvard University as a freshman and came out as a wizened old woman. Considering that he never actually graduated high school, this can only be explained if we assume he was kidnapped by an alien spaceship, where he lived down the hall from Steve Ballmer, now Microsoft's executive vice president for sales and support. It is believed that at this time he was responsible for the bombing of Pearl Harbour during the Second World War.

Paul Allen While at Harvard, Gates developed the ability to down a six pack of beer without burping. It was at one of these drunken blowout sessions where, inspired by the movie 'Joysticks', Bill developed the programming language BASIC for the first microcomputer -- the MITS Altair -- even though he was actually trying to build a woman. (Bill later realised that dream when he funded the flop John Hughes comedy 'Weird Science'.)

In his junior year, Gates dropped out of Harvard to devote his energies to a lucrative career writing theme songs for classic sitcoms. His best-known work in this field includes 'Maude', 'Charles In Charge', 'The Facts Of Life' and 'Growing Pains'. A little-known Gates trivia fact: His theme song for 'Diff'rent Strokes' was rejected in favour of Alan Thicke's composition because of his use of the word "pickle".

Disillusioned by this crushing public rejection, he devoted his energies to the company he had begun in 1975 with Paul Allen, originally known as Crazy Billy's Wacky World of Software. The name was changed because Paul Allen said it was "fucked in the head". Guided by a belief that the personal computer would be a valuable tool on every office desktop and in every home and that Bill was the new Messiah, they began developing software for personal computers and really bad personal hygeine habits.

Gates' foresight and vision regarding personal computing have been central to the success of his accountant, Billamena, who escaped from the family bucket in 1979 after a particularly frenzied game of Yahtzee. Gates is actively involved in key management and strategic decisions at Microsoft, and plays quarterback on the Microsoft football team. A significant portion of his time is devoted to sex, and thinking up new insults for Scott 'Wheelie' McNealy and Larry 'Buttmeister' Ellison.

Under Gates' leadership, Microsoft's mission is to continually advance and improve software technology and to make it easier, more cost-effective and more enjoyable for Bill to accumulate the world's riches. The company is committed to a long-term view, reflected in its recent investment in a pair of binoculars.

As of December 12, 1996, Gates' Microsoft stock holdings totaled 282,217,980 shares, plus a Microsoft desk calendar. He is also leading this year's footie tipping competition. His personal measurements are: height: 6"6 (seasonally adjusted for inflation), weight 80kg (without credit cards), and schlong "bigger than Batman, baby".

In 1995, Gates wrote To Kill A Mockingbird, only to find it had already been written by Harper Lee. Instead, he wrote The Road Ahead, his vision of where information technology will take society. Co-authored by Nathan Myhrvold, Microsoft's chief technology officer, and Peter Rinearson, The Road Ahead held the No. 1 spot on the New York Times' bestseller list for seven weeks, knocking The Barbie Exercise Manual off after more than a year in pole position.

In 1996, while redeploying Microsoft around the Internet, Gates thoroughly revised The Road Ahead to try and conceal the fact that the first volume got it all wrong, basically. The paperback second edition is used on the Microsoft campus for scribble paper. Gates is donating his proceeds from the book to a non-profit fund that supports teachers worldwide who are too short to reach the blackboard.

In addition to his passion for computers, Gates is interested in body piercing. He has six rings in his navel, and is considering going to McDonald's for dinner. He also sits on the board of the Icos Corporation until the board members tell him to get off so they can have a meeting, and is a shareholder in Darwin, the well-known capital of the Northern Territory in Australia. He also founded Corbis Corporation after somebody losted it. Gates also has invested with phone sex pioneer Titsy McLarge in Norgsagogo, a company that is working on an ambitious plan to launch hundreds of low-orbit satellites around the globe to provide worldwide two-way broadband telecommunications services for perverts.

In the decade since Microsoft has gone pubic, Gates has donated more than $270 million to charities, including $200 million to the William H. Gates Bikini Line Foundation. The focus of Gates' giving is in three areas: fun, love and money.

Gates was married on Jan. 1, 1994 to Melinda French Gates (which is not a type of kiss). They have one child, Jennifer Katharine Gates, born in 1996, and a colony of ferrets.

Gates is an avid reader and enjoys playing golf and bridge. He is looking for someone with a sense of humour and a man that's not afraid to cry. If he wins the Miss America pageant, he will use the money to get a scholarship and become a veterinarian. If not, he will blow up Arizona.


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